OP-ED
11th November 2022
Yewande, also known as Ifeoluwa, is a multitalented DJ, writer, academic, label head and founder of INTERVENTION – an organisation tirelessly pushing women, non-binary & POC DJs to the forefront. They have taken an extensive amount of time to write & organise this piece, detailing over a year and a half’s worth of experiences with people in the Bristol music scene that led to their online lynching by several of its protagonists.
Many of those mentioned in the piece have come together to attempt to suppress its publication, via thinly veiled threats of legal action, appeals to think of the reputations of those mentioned, amongst other techniques. After seeking legal advice, the editor has decided to publish the piece, noting that several substantial public interest conditions have been met.
This piece contains constant references to racism, with mentions of sexual assault and suicidal ideation.
For those affected by themes discussed in this piece, there are organisations out there that can help – some are listed below:
Music Minds Matter – 0808 802 8008
Help Musicians – Bullying and Harassment helpline – 0800 088 2045
The Bridge – Support after Sexual Assault & Rape for all genders
Words by Yewande Adeniran (they/them) | Edited by Kay Ferdinand
First and foremost: my writing is not for the white gaze. It’s not for those who wish to seek retribution for their racism, the hatred of ‘The Other’ and their neo-colonial fantasies. I write for people like me. People whose only tool in this world is the word – as clichéd as that is, this cannot be taken away from us. Our histories were passed down through our voice; then, as soon as we could, we wrote them down. Detailing the brutality we endured, the forced enslavement, the psychological torture we survived.
For white people, however, it’s the same old story. Their unfounded entitlement to Black “bodies” – forgive me, I know I’m not yet at SOAS – has resulted time and again in their capitalisation of our space, our culture, our very existence. No different is the commodification of Blackness in dance music in the present day.
When you attempt to discuss this, there’s often a pushback; “one love”, “we all bleed the same”, or some other variant is often the response, from both white and mixed race Black people. The ingrained belief that it is impolite to discuss racism because as British people generally, anything that makes us uncomfortable must be swept under the rug, and anyone who defies this is simply trying to harm us. Because in the paranoid minds of white Britain, being uncomfortable is not a happy state, and if I am not happy, I am feeling a negative feeling – this is oppression. The true oppression.
We used to call this phenomenon part of white fragility; but the more life I experience, and the more I research and educate myself outside of the peripheries of white academia; the more I see this as pure manipulation. This is the white liberal go-to.
It’s all fun and games when they’re at the Black Lives Matter protest drinking cans, cheering when Colston’s statue is pushed into the river, thinking ‘wow I just ended racism, these blacks need us!’ Momentarily, they felt white guilt; but never empathy for Black people. Because if Bristol – a city that prides itself on its liberal aesthetic – had any self-awareness, we would have seen some real progress, or even some seedlings of change.
We have not.
Everything still operates along racial lines. In Bristol, there is a new liberal gentrifying elite; a predominantly white middle class section, who rarely interact with Black communities. This is especially true of the arts. In dance music, you can go to an event and not see more than a handful of Black faces in the sea of Wills, Bills and Tillys. This environment is already hostile. When group mentality sets in, the ‘us or them’ framework that British individualism thrives upon reigns.
So for me, a dark skin, bigger, trans / non binary, queer, very cute Black femme, how is my every day experience in these spaces? Shit. If I need to explain why in detail, then the rest of this article isn’t for you.
That’s something white people can’t comprehend. The existence of something not being for them. In many conversations regarding racism in dance music, I’ve asked white people to take a step back and realise that it’s not for them. To realise that they are a guest in someone else’s culture. This was created by Black people, mostly dark skin, and relates directly to a history that white people sought to destroy. They are not entitled to anything regarding dance music. Not a night out, not a career, nothing. It was not created for them.
I wrote my Masters thesis on this topic, where I explored the commodification of dance music; from the drum being banned during slavery, to Detroit using drum machines. But whenever I try to discuss this with most people, it falls on deaf ears. I explain and explain, and still it’s people in their twenties and thirties, even forties, unable to listen to something that doesn’t fit their worldview of what they want dance music to be, instead of comprehending what it actually is.
This cognitive dissonance is what I have a huge problem with, and what is central to this unpacking of a doxxing and online lynching by Natalie Morris (aka Meterman), a biology PhD student at the University of Bristol, as a response to myself standing up against racism and anti-Blackness, to which she claims me standing up for myself is evidence of me being a bully and an abuser.
On 19th and 28th of March, Natalie shared posts on her Instagram feed declaring that I am a bully and have harassed her. Her timing was impeccable. The day after the most important gigs in my career to date had been announced. A time where I should be celebrating how much I’ve managed to achieve despite the barriers I face in this racist industry, and in this racist city.
Any joy, any accomplishment, any good news we have is a threat to white supremacy. It does not want to see us thrive, to see us progress; it would rather see us suffer and fail. That is the position Natalie appointed herself as – an unpaid agent of white supremacy.
The particulars she shared, with her chest, claim that she has done nothing wrong; she is innocent and she is a victim. She begins by saying that I’m bullying her because she wouldn’t fight my battles for me. Which battles are these, I hear you ask? She barely displays any evidence (a common theme in her posts on this matter), because that would mean admitting publicly that I had asked herself and Joe Cooper (aka Forever) for support in managing the adverse effects of racism – an ask she was not willing to honour.
This, it’s important to note, is after spending two weeks in hospital with Covid, pneumonia, a collapsed lung, a serious infection, being unable to breathe without machine assistance and being unable to walk. It was at this point I finally drew boundaries in relation to what I was going to accept. We know the impact racial trauma has on the human body; maybe less so about the impact on the human mind (I learned a great deal here, here and here); how it shortens the life expectancy of Black people, and significantly exacerbates the health problems we face.
As Black people in the U.K., we are expected to just accept disrespect, anti-Blackness, and racism as if it is part and parcel of the Black experience. It is just one of those things that comes with being Black, right? Absolutely not. This may be the material consequences of being racialised as Black, but it is not the way it has to be. The insidious ways racism and anti-Blackness have been positioned as a Black burden, or a moral failure are rarely discussed. Instead, we all should be recognising and educating ourselves on the legacy of colonialism and slavery that has continuosly morphed into what we see today (with colourism, featurism and misogynoir as its descendants).
Asking for help is never an easy task, especially when it’s to do with any marginalisation. Allyship, support and help needs to come from those with more power and privilege than those affected. So when I took on this daunting task, refusing to let myself accept things the way they are, I turned to two of my best friends in the city at that time. As people who have both expressed their anti-racist commitment to me, I thought I could rely on them, as people that saw me as a person, to help.
When I approached Natalie, I was extremely apprehensive of how the conversation may go. I’m used to being dismissed – but still, I tried. The conversation went better than I expected. It was calm, slow paced, respectful words were exchanged; but the response was not that of allyship.
To see this conversation being morphed into ‘abuse’ within Natalie’s psyche, speaks to her own projection of anti-Blackness, defensiveness of “goodness”, and a society that emboldens white women to turn themselves into victims when they are the cause of harm. Still; to be on the receiving end is dehumanising and a reminder that I am not seen as a person.
We will no longer accept being treated and referred to as 3/5ths of a human while we push for equity.
It is by no mistake that the go-to by Natalie was to call me an abuser and bully. She previously had outright refused to offer more support and messaged me to say everything would have panned out the same if I was white. As a white, heterosexual, cisgender, middle class white woman, she plainly refused to offer her friend, a disabled, dark skin Black, queer trans / non-binary person, support in navigating this travesty. The excuses that she followed up with were pretty textbook. She claimed she had done enough by going for a walk when she didn’t feel like it, and that she had reached her bandwidth in offering support.
You would have thought, with me being in this condition with my health, I would be offered some grace and compassion. She would take a step back from her relentless defensiveness and white tears. No chance. The song whiteness knows best is one of destruction and pain to racialised people. In response to me asking for more support from her as a white person in dealing with racism, she moved to turn our entire friendship into a transaction – the first red flag. ‘I did A & B for you, so how dare you call me a bad friend? You are the bad friend!’. That’s the first sign of white tears, so I took a step back.
Any white person who turns an interpersonal relationship into a transaction is not someone I want around me. The British individualism and neoliberal attitude that turns every relationship into a capitalist endeavour is not something I want to partake in. I’ve spoken about this numerous times in several essays, articles and interviews; it’s not a surprise. Once you start speaking about your inability to shed some of that whiteness to make a Black person’s life a little bit better in an anti-Black world, you are not only enacting further violence, but you’re making it clear you do not respect my core being. We will no longer accept being treated and referred to as 3/5ths of a human while we push for equity.
Taking this further, Natalie starts to withdraw – as expected. In her mind, as we see from her posts, this is because she refuses to fight my battles. Time passes. I visit a friend in his home; she’s there, but doesn’t acknowledge me. I say hello; she looks at the two of us and continues DJing. I then try to speak to her about this, and she claims she did not see us enter the room. Natalie claims that she did not see me when I was less than a metre away from her when she had looked up. I’m used to white women lying, but every time I’m baffled by their brazenness.
Some more time goes by, and I asked her if she would still like to DJ at INTERVENTION, my club night & project; she replied, ‘nah I’m alright’. Rude. She then later says, through my asking her once if she wanted to play, that I lauded INTERVENTION over her. How? By asking if she still wanted to play, so I could let the venue know who would be performing, so they could start the promotion?
In her mind, this is me using the platform that I have always used to support her (and many others) as some sort of ploy. To take anything I do out of kindness as some well thought out master plan only further demonstrates her own narcissistic mindset. Everything is a means to an end from her perspective, and nothing can be done out of the kindness of one’s heart.
Interestingly, she said the same about Joe, a person who she has used to further her abuse. I had booked him in July 2019 to play with a mutual friend of his (also Black), alongside myself and a few others in Manchester. I’ve always used my platform to demonstrate the ways that we can have solidarity between people of all races. Unfortunately, when it came down to displaying that same solidarity, with me asking him to consider his actions as white, cisgender, heterosexual man? I was met with extreme aggression. To not go into too much detail, as some of the conversation need not be disclosed – to afford him some privacy – he is one of the people I had apparently fallen out with, to whom Natalie refers in her post.
Joe was a dear friend of mine. Someone I previously trusted with my most intimate secrets. We even planned to do a joint audiovisual piece on my experience on living with cPTSD before the pandemic started. But like Natalie, I asked him for support and he declined. White people will support and faux uplift Black people when it benefits them, but when they’re asked to make any sort of sacrifice, to relinquish any of that privilege and support us in real time, in real life; they don’t, and they won’t.
The next part I’ll keep short because I find it extremely traumatising. Our friendship ended when I tried to speak to Joe about how bad my mental health had been, and how the constant back and forth with his feelings towards me had left me confused, insecure about our friendship and shit; about how his friends (including prominent members of the Bristol scene) had been displaying micro and macroaggressions, being generally nasty.
The reality of the situation with Joe was that he shouted at me in the middle of the street after being so threatening and intimidating, that I was left there in the road in tears. To not even see this as misogynistic and aggressive – let alone the racial element – is evident you do not consider myself a vulnerable person – or a person at all, in that situation. Once again, I am dehumanised.
And he continued, seemingly enjoying the power he had over me; shouted at me about something from his past and walked off, leaving me there; blocking me entirely on social media, so I had no idea what was going on. This incident really affected my sense of safety around him – I had even asked Natalie to check on him, because at the end of the day, even if what he did was abusive, he was still my friend. I extended chance after chance to him as opportunities to learn and do better, every time it was thrown back callously at me – even when I was organising the DJ workshop tour with Resident Advisor, where we collaborated with different collectives across the U.K., giving non-Black people a chance to give back to the culture they often take from (and still gain cultural capital from working with a Black-led organisation).
As part of Grade 10, a Leicester based collective that I have been supportive of since its inception, he would not allow me to still work with the rest of the team after his racist and sexist messages. When this situation is briefly discussed between myself and G10, I’m relegated to simply Joe’s friend, regardless of the fact I worked with members of the collective before I was friends with him. A reminder of how we are perceived primarily in relation to our male counterparts. The amount of unprofessionalism across the board is reflective of their innate belief that the changes I’m striving for and the progress I’ve made, is worthless to them.
Why should I be friends with them; those who repeatedly engage in anti-Blackness and transphobia?
I was unsure of what to do; however, I believed that Joe was capable of understanding the situation, so I contacted 1020 Radio (an underground station in Bristol) for advice, and to help explain to Joe why his behaviour was extremely damaging. Joe and I were both residents, and I had known one of the radio assistants for a number of years. During the summer of the ‘black square’, cultural organisations made promises to their local community that they were willing and able to provide support during instances of racism. I took them at their word; thankfully, they took it seriously, and spoke to Joe.
During this time, Natalie contacted them, claiming it was unfair and unacceptable that Joe was spoken to by 1020, and in solidarity – yes with a cisgender, heterosexual, white man, who had been anti-Black – that she was stepping down from the station. Oppressors using the language of the marginalised to position themselves as the victim is all too common. What she failed to realise is that the majority of us are able to spot her bullshit claims of oppression a mile off.
In her call out post, she says I character assassinated her to 1020 and others in the music industry – an industry in which she occupies no position, and to which she contributes nothing – but all I had done is speak about my experiences to one person, in asking for their help.
Fast forward; I’m in Mickey Zoggs (a pub in Bristol, that also houses Noods Radio station) several months later. Joe and his friends give myself and my trans friend the most disgusting look I have seen in a long time. Even though the place is empty, they see our belongings and sit in our seats, before being asked to move by the person behind the bar, and after pretending not to realise. Every single time it’s the same, ‘oh we didn’t see you, you’ve got the wrong end of the stick’. This type of dominance in public spaces serves to assert and humiliate, and is unacceptable, transphobic and anti-Black.
I then had Natalie accuse me of bullying, intimidating and shouting at two of Joe’s friends outside Zoggs. The bar did an investigation, and of course, her claims were found to be false. Natalie had lied again. She also claimed I stalked Joe where he worked (a national apparel & footwear outlet), when I went to buy a pair of trainers with my friend. Before entering I checked if he was there and he wasn’t. Turns out he was in the stock/staff area, and watching on the cameras; he noted the time and relayed it to Natalie, who then ran with it.
Between the two of them, conspiring in this dangerous manner, I have felt extremely unsafe – to the point that I barely left the house for four months. As soon as I did, look what happened: I received threatening, racist messages from Joe. As Natalie continues to assert that I’ve bullied Joe, he retreats further into his victimhood; he then relays details of my trauma to her that she then uses against me; contacting people who have assaulted me, who laughed and mocked me when I was in hospital during a suicide attempt, who shared intimate photos of me that circulated when I was at a festival, and who had been femme- and transphobic to boot.
On 12th March 2022 Joe tried to approach me again at a Noods party (why won’t these people allow me to enjoy my night?), but was blocked by a friend of mine. On 22nd April 2022, he tried to speak to me again and I ignored him as much as I can. The last time we spoke was on 9th December 2021; but when finding out I had no plans to call him out – his primary concern because ego – he swiftly took back any prospect of personal accountability, despite my willingness to just put it behind me, and blocked me.
How could I feel safe around someone like this? Someone who approaches me in public after I have asked to be left alone, and whose primary concern is not about making amends for hurting others, but protecting his image? An image he built off the back of Black culture?
There was a point I saw a glimmer of hope for his understanding, when he apologised; but of course, that too was fleeting. The gaslighting I experienced got to such an extreme level that I sent him back entire conversations; his continuous denial made me question my own experiences. These are the kind of people who support Natalie. Why should I be friends with them; those who repeatedly engage in anti-Blackness and transphobia?
The other person she refers to in her call out post is Daniella Shaw, a staunch online and irl supporter of Natalie, and my former housemate. I’ll keep this one brief because it’s pretty clear cut. Daniella is a self professed liberal upper-middle class white woman. Already, we as Black people can imagine what living with her was like.
The reason for our ‘falling out’ is simple. She tweeted the n-word in relation to a ‘joke’. I didn’t find it funny. Of course, I took issue with it, and she turned nasty, in what is probably both embarrassment and defence. Again, why does Natalie think this behaviour is acceptable? Why doesn’t she see it as racism? Is nothing that happens to me racism?
Did she always hate me this much?
Natalie decided this was another hill to die on. I asked her: if Daniella found it reasonable behaviour to show a Black person that she has tweeted the n-word, and expect me to laugh along with it in my own home, how do you think she treats me generally? And I’m bullying these white women because I no longer wanted anything to do with Daniella.
When I brought up the fact the house we lived in was damp and mouldy, and significantly impacted my health – she was there when I called the emergency services, and a few days later went to hospital – it was seen as a personal attack, when I had said something collectively should be done. This comes directly from the entitlement she feels as someone who invited me to take her old room, while she moved into another. Beloved, this is not your father’s house. This is the same attitude of expecting us as Black people to never question, or challenge, or complain about a white person if they’ve ever done anything ‘nice’ for us, because it’s not nice to do that, and we should be grateful that they even recognised us as existing.
Daniella then made my life an absolute hell; constantly intentionally misgendering me, with a not so sly smirk on her face; messaging me to say she was advertising my room as available at the end of the month on 27th April; contacting the landlady to suddenly accuse me of wanting to steal a camera from her (a classic white woman move; assigning criminality to the Black person), despite the fact that I have my own.
The logic of it doesn’t matter; similar to Natalie, it’s about destroying my character. They know at that moment they have no leg to stand on. Their true unmasked self is on display. This wielding of her white womanhood culminated in having me kicked out and made homeless in a pandemic, knowing I was extremely unwell at the time.
Natalie supports this behaviour, and states Daniella is a victim. This was extremely distressing, and it was a big factor in my suicide attempt, and where it took place. The next day after this attempt on my own life, I left for London. This runs directly parallel to the ‘hostile environment’ policy, directed towards People of Colour, that the U.K. government has been manufacturing since the 1960s, with forced displacements still taking place today. Her insistence on forcing me out reeks of ‘GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY IF YOU HATE IT SO MUCH’. I repeat: this is a self proclaimed abolitionist. Whiteness is the common factor between this all.
Was it not the great Megan Thee Stallion that recently said “they finna call me a bully but fuck it?”
Bristol, right? It’s a very interesting case study for those interested in Negrophilia. Being in close proximity with the Other, the demonised and the Blacks, is fun and exciting for white people.
Negrophilia in Bristol is most evident in its soundsystem culture, which has massively influenced dance music in the area. The white liberal elite of Bristol, in their rare interactions with Blackness, position themselves alongside the music, and the surrounding culture; of course, any proximity to Blackness is considered diversity. If something is diverse then surely it can’t be racist.
Well, Bristol isn’t diverse. There are pockets of different demographics but they do not hold even a fraction of the wealth, resources and power in the city – they exist as a political point scoring tool, nothing more. It’s not uncommon to see dub and reggae nights with majority, if not all, white crowds; and within our section of dance music, everything around 100bpm being declared dancehall-esque (lol).
Pre-pandemic, during carnival, the streets would be packed with white people on their worst behaviour, fuelled by Red Stripe, ignoring the very reasons carnival exists, as well as the history of St. Pauls – an area just outside of the centre of Bristol where early immigrants from the Caribbean, mostly Jamaica, were invited in the early 1950s to rebuild the country post-Second World War and fill in the skills gap – The Windrush Generation.
Once you point out this behaviour is part of a wider issue of not understanding that we should be treated like and regarded as you do everyone else, the next part of the spiral kicks in – guilt. It was this guilt that appeared during June 2020, and disappeared soon after. Guilt is not a meaningful way to enact change. Guilt is an uncomfortable feeling, and those who are uncomfortable with race generally cannot sit with it. They cannot speak of it. Therefore it must not exist.
It took years before people who had acted in racist ways apologised to me. There hasn’t been a time where Natalie, Joe or any of the rest have taken a stand in any anti-Blackness their friends have faced. Looking back, they made it abundantly clear that it’s simply just not their problem.
Natalie, from the suburbs of Nottingham, loves Black women in rap. And by love, I mean that she finds what these women rap about an aesthetic; something to try and emulate. Her badly adopted AAVE, missing crucial Black references, is cringey. Blackness isn’t a costume. For her, it’s exciting, different, demonised by wider society and therefore taboo.
When I pointed this out how her love for these artists was just another example of surface level engagement and commodification of Black womanhood, the very topics about which she is aware that I write and research, she asserts that I am a bully; because she refuses to challenge herself and sit with the uncomfortable emotions she’s experiencing. Because she can’t, I must be the problem. Was it not the great Megan Thee Stallion that recently said, they finna call me a bully but fuck it?
This is the never ending cycle I found myself in. You can either put up with aspects of whiteness or challenge them.
British race and gender expert Natalie left all of this information out; the explanations behind my “harassment” all have a common theme. I did not wish to be around hostile white people who have shown through their words and actions they do not consider me human. Not only is it jarring that they are unable to understand the word ‘harassment’, but on top, they’re treating me in ways that are extremely dehumanising.
Natalie proclaims that I’m charming and this is what first attracted her to me. Hun, we met at an afters where I played Bax – not exactly niche, is it – and we became friends from there. There are a lot of words that can be used to describe me but charming isn’t one of them. I’m friendly; that’s it. White people are so used to life being stale that they are entranced by someone who uses shea butter daily.
I personally wouldn’t admit online that I have no personality but some like to post their Ls. As time goes on, I understand why the Unfriendly Black Hotties didn’t want to engage with what was going around them. As Black people, we need to keep each other safe from this.
Mean Girls discourse aside, that brings us to Kezia Cochrane (aka Pet Bitch); part of white trans+ collective SNOG, and another public supporter of Natalie. Another person I trusted, alongside Daniella and Joe. I’ll keep this one brief because it’s again a very simple situation to understand. Just before the pandemic, Kezia and SNOG decided to team up with ‘1% Of 1’, run by Richard Walsh.
During June 2020, it finally came to light that Richard Walsh had given a false police statement, after denying it, in regards to his friend who had raped me, back in 2018.
At this point, I was very close friends with Kezia. They knew about this, and the actual harassment I endured from Walsh’s friends in support of him – believe and protect women apart from when the attacker is your mate, right? – but decided to work with him the same; because as always, furthering one’s career is more important than integrity towards your fellow humans.
I didn’t find out about the event until I was scrolling through Instagram and saw it. I spoke to Kezia most days; they had seen my mental health reach rock bottom during this period following reporting the rape, and even provided a lending ear; but failed to mention even once they were putting on this event with him. The very obvious disrespect and callousness was plain to see.
Again, self proclaimed white abolitionists were happy to retraumatise, work with someone who gave a false police statement against a Black person, and then act like it was a normal thing to do; and I shouldn’t be upset or feel a way about it.
My current vocabulary doesn’t even know how to describe this because it is another level past racial gaslighting, it’s pure evil.
But I accepted it, because at that point I was very much used to people treating me like less than; like I was worth nothing, not even basic compassion. Whiteness asserts that anti-Blackness is the norm, with anything that disrupts that equilibrium as fair game to be attacked. Those of us who challenge racism are used to the personal attacks; used to having our private life scrutinised in a way that those who have been racist do not.
As Black people, we are forced to make decisions as we get older, and if the spaces we exist in are predominately white; we either put up with mistreatment for half baked friendships, or go through this world alone.
Fast forward to November 2020, and Kezia brings me underwear and toiletries to the hospital – what I assumed would be a quick overnight stay turned into my health quickly deteriorating, with me almost losing my life. I then get out of hospital, barely able to walk and breathe, unable to shower myself or do any basic tasks; and the first thing Kezia asks of me is to introduce them to Vice. At my weakest, most vulnerable moment, what is on their mind is to further their career, again at my own expense. They asked several times, including the day I’m discharged from being admitted to A&E, to send the various emails – and 2 days after my original discharge, I introduced them.
Whiteness, and innocence, is a form of violence that White women have wielded for centuries to punish Black people. Natalie, in her messages to me and others, admits that she has repeatedly approached people, telling them that she is a victim; painting me as the bully and abuser. To this day I’m still failing to see – beyond anti-Blackness – how this is the case.
She claims I character assassinated her publicly and privately to others in music; but to who? The few friends I spoke to about this are also involved in music. Going back through messages, the conversations between my friends and I are about my health and how this has impacted me; very little about Natalie, who I forgot existed until she continued her bullying. She claimed in messages to me that I led a smear campaign against her in music; that message dates back to 13th June 2021 – we’re yet to see any evidence of this campaign.
In fact, on 13th June 2021, after I had been informed that Natalie had messaged multiple people to alert them I was a bully without explanation after I had not spoken to her for nearly 2 months, I contacted Natalie several times asking her to please stop; letting her know I had been unwell, and to explain how dangerous and unkind this was and the reasons why I wish to be left alone. Throughout the messages I remained polite and calm. This was barely a month after my suicide attempt. In her badly manufactured call out post, she states she asked me twice to leave me alone, when in reality I had first asked her to simply let me live. Refusing to leave me alone is harassment.
It has now been a year and half of this behaviour from her. This is another situation she has twisted to create her own victim narrative.
In a very twisted turn of events, she then teams up with Layla (aka Alya L) who, when I wanted to report Natalie to her university, said she would give a statement because in her words “because Black people always look like the aggressors”; despite me insisting and insisting that she didn’t need to, she said she would, even in front of someone else.
But then I get a call telling me that I shouldn’t report Natalie to her university; that she understands what Natalie has been doing is racist and she needs to be held accountable, but this isn’t the way; and if I continue, and it doesn’t end well, that’s my fault.
From that moment onwards, any semblance of friendship I had with her was non-existent. Someone who can do this to another person isn’t someone I want in my life – I tried and tried, but it got to a stage where I had enough. And apparently, me saying ‘enough is enough’ is harassment. Anything white people don’t like to hear is harassment, evidently.
My experience is my own and there is not a person on this earth or above who can tell me I did or did not experience it.
She continues by telling me she knows how dark skin Black women are treated (a big yikes from a light skin biracial person); I respond that she doesn’t, because she will never experience colourism, and she needs to understand her privilege in this situation. I then ask following the call that she shouldn’t disclose this interaction to Natalie; of course, she does, and is now publicly supporting her. Layla also drops out of the club night I’ve put on, because I didn’t do as she said – so her support, as a friend of mine, must be withdrawn. This support was always conditional. Another example of colourism.
She never spoke to me again either. To this day, she is still harassing and intimidating me in every public space she sees me at, instructing her white boyfriend James Christian (aka YeYe) to do the same.
Part of colourism that is rarely spoken about, is the ability for people to just sever ties with dark skin people without a second thought. To them, we’re not worthy. The amount of colourism I’ve experienced from Layla has been nothing like I’ve experienced before. She, and other mixed race Black people in the city, position themselves as the reasonable negro; leaving myself as the belligerent one. They’re replicating the same dynamics we’ve seen since slavery.
James commented publicly a warning to my friends that they should step away from me, even after he intimidated and harassed me at Zoggs. Taking great public pride in attempting to ‘take down’ a Black person should have raised immediate concerns – but we live in a city where people do as they’re told and follow the crowd. Barely an original and independent thought exists in this cult.
James has repeatedly intimidated me in public near my home, watched me walking to my road while I’m with friends, observed and noted my whereabouts, continuously monitoring with malicious intent. This is the white male gaze policing my everyday movements, waiting to attack. James is also proud of his ‘conquests’ – as he once referred to people he’s been intimate with – which unfortunately included myself. As he publicly and proudly likes to say, he prefers to date bisexual Black women, because that’s what he’s into. Seriously problematic.
I will say that he did apologise for his behaviour, several years ago; but of course, when Natalie and his biracial girlfriend Layla needed a white knight, he stepped up; displaying his misogynoir for all to see. White men fantasise about sleeping with us and in the same breath, being violent towards us. This is same gendered master-slave dialectic reproduced for modern times.
Is this someone you think I should have in my life?
It is extremely abusive to try and take everything in my life that gives it meaning; to say I am responsible for not only his and Natalie’s abusive behaviour, but everyone else’s; to further marginalise me by telling people not to associate with me; to use his power in this way, furthering the lies and abuse of Natalie.
It is violent behaviour to turn up to someone’s birthday drinks – advertised very clearly as such – when you have this much hate and anger for them; to not move out of the way when they’re trying to buy a drink; to stand by the DJ booth and act in a hostile manner while I’m DJing; to repeatedly push past them, knock on windows and harass them; then when they message you about this, inadvertently admit to it by saying ‘none of that is true’ and ‘you dragged my friends’… So you weren’t at Zoggs? We all imagined you acting in this way?
I did not wish to be around hostile white people who have shown through their words and actions they do not consider me human.
For the record, asking for you to consider how your behaviour affects someone, and talking about the harm I experienced, isn’t ‘dragging’; but I don’t expect anything better from a white man who spends his time posting infographics about race and still engages in this behaviour. Like a lot of things we see, this will not age well.
On Natalie’s post he declares that we should all listen and believe Natalie is not racist because the Vice Chancellor of the University of Bristol has declared she is not. He continues by saying BIPOC (who are the indigenous people he is referring to? From Cornwall?) and vague mentions of “white people” have witnessed this behaviour so it must be true. My experience is my own and there is not a person on this earth or above who can tell me I did or did not experience it. Using your proximity to Blackness, your whiteness and your POC friends as tokens in this way, to publically engage with white supremacy in an attempt to remove the agency of a Black person who challenges you on your racism, is pure violence, and an act of racial terror. It shows not only through his misapplied use of BIPOC that his knowledge of racism is severely lacking, but that at any given moment, he will weaponise an institution.
Following Natalie’s behaviour, which they were alerted to, the University then contacted me to report her again, in light of the new evidence of her behaviour – and the public breaking of the University’s policies. Is the University still the decider on what is and what isn’t racism, considering they have changed their stance as a result of Natalie’s actions; or does it only matter when they’re explicitly on the side of the oppressor?
We are not monolithic.
Each Black person is on their own journey. Some choose to engage with white supremacy, some resist. I will not be forced into agreeing with what I do not believe and what anyone with an ounce of critical thinking can see through. To use a red brick university, referring to it as such, is archaic and classist.
This further proves meritocracy is a lie. It doesn’t matter how hard I work or how talented I am. All that does is how nice I am to white people. Therefore I must swallow anti-Blackness for the possibility of acceptance.
One thing about Bristol is that it’s small – everyone knows everyone, and everyone has something to say – just not to me. Jennifer Hartley (aka Yushh), a white woman who runs the label Pressure Dome, when asked about this situation regarding Joe, outrightly refused to discuss racism – declaring it wasn’t a factor or issue. She relays this to several people, and people – with their joblessness – relay this back to me. But in an article in Mixmag, she declares how supportive and welcoming the city is.
This is how known figures in the music scene use their status. She approaches my close friends on several occasions to spin her own version of events, despite not having spoken more than one sentence to me – because of my intimidating presence no less – and leans directly into her white womanhood to gain sympathy from men. She’s even been told that they’re not the person she should be speaking to and any apology should be directed to myself. Couple this with the anti-Black macro and micro aggressions I’ve been experiencing from her since October 2020 till now, and you have a picture of how the scene operates. It is continuous and never ending.
Another white man, Scott Linton (who runs PTS, a club night that he runs where he books popular Black, POC and queer artists), has repeatedly shared Natalie’s statement; adding that it feels like every week I’m gaslighting him and his friends. It seems that no one knows what words mean anymore because this is someone I haven’t spoken to since 19th September 2021; when I messaged him to say I was still struggling with the ongoing situation as he had previously told me to message him if it continues.
I was met with silence.
Absurd to think considering on 8th June 2021 he asserts that “the way this played out is rooted in racism and it’s shit how they’ve (Jennifer and his friends) closed ranks to protect Joe”, stating that “yes it’s racist” and on 22nd July 2021 states himself Joe “doesn’t listen”, “his language is aggressive” and “ominous”. From this period to now with Nat’s ongoing obsessive campaign, he has evidently changed his mind, and leans full force into being racist himself. Again.
As with the others, every time he sees me in public he must make his presence known; to try and intimidate me. Scott uses his night – where he pays Black and brown people to perform for majority white audiences – as proof that he cannot be racist. Despite the evident colonial framework his nights operate within, it’s an absurd statement.
Publicly seeing Natalie and the PTS crew do everything in their power to get people to stop supporting me; ripping down my event posters and replacing them with their own; stopping me getting gigs; tanking my creative projects – including INTERVENTION – while at the same they collectively do nothing to help those with less power than them, has sent a very clear message. Join in oppressing people with us, or be dominated.
In every one of these interactions with Natalie, Joe, Scott, James, and others, I’ve set very clear boundaries on what I expect and will tolerate surrounding my Blackness. Every reaction to this has been extreme defensiveness and further marginalisation – often a common response when a person can’t handle being challenged by someone they deem to be inferior.
It is now November 2022 and James has violently approached me in several different public spaces. Natalie still approaches me in clubs and pubs, trying her hardest to antagonise me and ensure her relevance remains, while in reality it’s dwindling. We often see women using other women to try and climb out of obscurity. Scott has repeatedly confronted me in public spaces while extremely intoxicated, stumbling aggressively and frighteningly towards me, to spew a tirade of insults and anti-Blackness – I just stand there until someone approaches to ask if I’m okay. Let’s not forget the times he insisted I wasn’t queer or non binary because he’s only seen me date white men, and I dress feminine.
There is no circumstance where this is acceptable. None.
This is also the person who apologised to me, in writing, for saying ‘I have beef with everyone’; shouted at me for telling him he’s racist (white fragility strikes again); and told me not to speak about my experiences of racism from him again because he’s “classist, not racist” (the two cannot be separated from one another), but when there was a chance to double down, to support Natalie and pretend he hadn’t apologised, what did he do? You’ve been reading long enough by now to know how this ended in the driest, least riveting way possible. Age old racism. His capital, social and financial, is built on his dance music nights where he books Black artists. This neo-colonial attitude is something I will always be firmly against.
Racism is not a point of view, and anyone who thinks it is most definitely is racist.
You have seen what Natalie & her peers have done; what else can I do? I’m so glad I have documented this situation; if I hadn’t, imagine how they could have twisted this even further. Natalie’s claim that she was afraid to speak up as she wouldn’t be believed is an absolute lie. What is disturbing about that is that is exactly what I said myself in November 2021. She copied – verbatim – myself speaking about the anti-Blackness in Bristol. Make no mistake; she did this to mock me. To send a message that I will never be believed.
She had already contacted people to support her post; who then messaged me out of the blue to dismiss my claims of hurt from 6 years ago, and even one of them to position himself as a victim. What is the need to contact someone after this long? The best thing to do would be to find peace within yourself and move on. Being this obsessed with someone for such a long time is not healthy. Again, Natalie’s thinly veiled victimhood rears its head – but where it was headed was extremely dangerous.
As if this wasn’t enough – Natalie lies about being given permission by the university to post a private and confidential document containing my personal details. She writes her post in a similar way to when white women are outing a male abuser. But, as someone who famously writes their essays at the last minute, I know when someone has Googled the definition of a word; in this case, ‘abuser’. AFAB people’s abusive tendencies are completely different to those of cisgender, heterosexual men. Natalie’s misogynoir extends throughout the post, positing masculinity onto me in order to create the narrative that I am a violent monster, a savage, a beast.
Private and confidential means just that. You are not allowed to legally share the document. It transpired that Natalie didn’t have permission from the university, but publicly lied, as well as lying to her own friends; breaking numerous university codes of conduct and violating GDPR in the process. She blamed me for silencing her when she was told to remove the document. It wasn’t me who reported her, but that doesn’t matter – why let the truth get in the way of a good story?
Disturbingly, Natalie has absolutely no issue sharing my personal information; knowing that the reason I’m sceptical to share where I’m living is because I was stalked and abused by an ex partner, and continue to fear for my safety – but everything is fair game when a white woman is upset, right? The whole world has to stop at the shed of her tears.
Whilst we’re here, I want to talk about this University investigation. The evidence I have to prove to the University of Bristol of Natalie’s bullying requires me to obtain signed agreements from every party involved to share messages, photographs and other forms of media; at that point, I did not have the mental strength, and I simply wanted this situation to end. It was just a month after my suicide attempt. I was not willing to contact white people to explain my trauma, then justify the need for this to be officially recorded. There is already anxiety around dealing with suicidal ideation, and I find it tough at the best of times. At this point, I’ve even spoken to some of these people and told them to remain friends with Natalie; I just personally don’t want to. The direct opposite to her current campaign to further isolate and ostracise.
She forgets that we all know white women display their abusive behaviour through narcissism, manipulation and weaponisation of their femininity. The fake tears that roll down their cheeks are their sharpest tool. The further she goes with this narrative, the more she exposes her true intentions, and her own abusive behaviour. For someone who Googled the definition of abuser and posted it online with my name attached, she might want to read a few more links in future.
She then asks people to get in touch and share far and wide because I must be stopped! Whilst declaring at the top of her lungs that “not everything is about race”; accusing me of playing the race card; that she’s a victim of reverse racism and “things would have turned out the same for me if I was white”.
Bristol doesn’t know what to do with someone like me.
She encourages and wants people to harass me and stalk me online, sharing any personal information I have told them. That’s right, she shared my trauma to hundreds of people – we know how the dissemination of information works on the internet. She feels no remorse in contacting those who seek to harm me, because calling her racist is the most heinous of crimes. My apparent lack of accepting another point of view is discussed, and my intellect belittled and ridiculed. Racism is not a point of view, and anyone who thinks it is most definitely is racist.
She asks music journalists to get in touch to sign an NDA so they can write an article about it. I would laugh if it wasn’t so serious, because this is unbelievably narcissist. She contacts people in various publications, including a notable Bristol music magazine. Beloved, no one in the industry cares about someone who doesn’t work in the industry in any capacity. The music industry has far larger issues to contend with than petty and spiteful quibbles. What are Mixmag going to write as the headline? ‘White woman accuses Black DJ Ifeoluwa of falsely accusing her of being racist and is now upset and in fact, Ifeoluwa is the bully’? My goodness, does no one have the ability to think critically anymore?
There are then comments from people like Henry Murray (@djboursin/@fkaboursin on the post) to Black women, who have commented asking for the supposed evidence that Natalie isn’t racist. Henry compares me to Candace Owens and says it’s possible for Black people to be more racist than white people – lol at thinking that reverse racism is real – continuing to state that trauma isn’t an excuse. I’m unsure what projection is going on here but it’s absurd to ignore what a Black woman has said in regards to racism, going off on an aggressive reverse racism tirade, then delete it.
The current trend of white liberals half studying Black liberation then using it against Black people would be hilarious if it didn’t have actual consequences – like the ones we see now.
Declaring that I’m weaponising my trauma shows he has no understanding of the very ideas he’s discussing. His refusal to serve me at Strange Brew (an events space in Bristol) – of course serving the white man I was with – is another indication of how these situations play out in real life. He does his best to walk extremely close to me in the venue, staring, making snide comments. Not one ounce of self awareness found. Embarrassing scenes.
A comment from @yomofish, a white woman (whose Instagram feed is largely her posing with Black men), comments that she’s heard this before, and that Natalie should go to the police. Natalie agrees. White women’s go-to is always to ask the state; the University, as Natalie has done; the police; all racist institutions that harm Black people – to do the white woman’s bidding. Ironically, this is someone who repeatedly asks me for guestlist and to DJ for them; but I digress.
It seems that speaking about racism, or hurting the feelings of white and mixed race people, is a criminal offence; harassment, and punishable to the fullest extent of the law. Very sinister, knowing how precarious citizenship is for Black people too; but as long as they get revenge, it’s okay.
Jasmine Roberts, someone who made a supportive statement to the University, says she felt “confident to suggest Nat’s attitude toward Yewande i believe is down to underlying racism along with unnecessary drama”. According to Natalie, this statement was coerced.
There are countless witnesses to there being no coercion in real life – I have never spoken to her alone, and have all the messages between us. Rather than checking, Natalie decided to post it online because it furthered her narrative.
This is a music community that, as a whole, has not welcomed, supported and embraced myself or people like me. How do I know? There aren’t many people like me around.
Bristol doesn’t know what to do with someone like me.
They’re not used to Black people, especially someone who is a gender minority, not playing by their rules, not adhering to whiteness, or coddling their white egos; refusing to bow down to their sensitivities, or being complicit in replicating the same modes of harm and oppression that they do. So as a retaliation, they do their best to remind me I am a Negro.
I have dealt with people barging into me so much so that I’ve gone home with bruises down my sides; I’ve had multiple drinks spilled on me; I’ve had other members of PTS (k means and Jurango) and their friends engage in the bullying and refuse to acknowledge me in real life, but speak to all the other people in the group – and when I’ve said hello (because I was raised to be courteous), turn around and face the other way. Facing a wall to avoid replying to someone’s greeting would be hilarious, if it wasn’t so dehumanising.
Like anyone else trying to escape how shit life can be for us, I’ve walked into gigs where Black artists are performing – but still have had to deal with this behaviour. The aforementioned James and his friends stood behind me intentionally at Space Afrika and Yves Tumor, with Natalie taking up charge in front. Again, at an event headlined by DJ Python, Natalie was unreasonably close – this being the same evening as a night I couldn’t play because of her lies.
The night in question was Lone at Thekla, with a line up consisting of local DJs and a couple from London. On Trans Day of Visibility, I received an email from The Bottle & Eminent promoters Hywel, Ben and Tom – three cisgender heterosexual white men – stating that they were removing me from the billing because of allegations by Natalie; adding that multiple people had contacted saying they wouldn’t be comfortable if I was there performing and doing my job.
None of these promoters did their due diligence and asked what happened, if I was okay; or even to give me an opportunity to provide any counter evidence. Once again, the word of a white woman and her friends is enough. Ironically, before this, they were doing up pally pally for guestlist to Panoroma Bar.
People I hadn’t spoken to in years, and showed no interest in me, saw a way into a cool space. I highly doubt any of these people have a genuine love for what they do more than the social clout it provides. They proved that when they simply removed me from the lineup, because white people say so.
It’s already been very apparent how easily Natalie, Scott, and his PTS crew can impact my career; not only in Bristol – but use their connections to contact NTS producers, multiple people in music press, other promoters, label owners, people who work at venues, at radio stations abroad. Will they put out a message stating that they lied, and clarifying their true intentions? Absolutely not. The apology should be as loud as the disrespect.
Her post states she was kicked out of a club because of me. What she failed to say is that she was in the green room past 3am – after the club had closed – and was asked to leave because, well, it’s hometime. It’s strange behaviour to see someone who apparently bullies you, go and stand right next to them, and cry victim. My dear, how am I bullying you when I’m trying to order an Uber home?
Interesting how again she left out this information to make it look as if she is being bullied; when really, her entitlement to whatever stardom she thinks she is owed (and therefore I must be denied) is apparent. She said she spent all night avoiding me. This wasn’t the case; I got to the venue at most 90 minutes before closing (a habit I need to break), and spent most of the time in the green room having a deep conversation about Welsh history. No one I was with saw her during those 90 minutes either, but again, her presentation of information serves only to manipulate.
The blame does not lie solely with Natalie or any of these people mentioned. Various high profile white men in music in the city have voiced their opinion that this situation should not be discussed, while at no point asking me directly if any of it is true. At the same, I’ve had to watch them make posts and stories about other instances of anti-Black racism but when it’s on their doorstep, it’s ignored. To believe everything you’ve seen written about a Black person and to then go to their white friends because of your own fear of speaking to Black people about race, is blatant anti-Blackness.
I posted about Natalie once (read it again: once), following up with comments around my own experience in Bristol more broadly, and how whiteness was a critical factor; I continued by speaking about white people generally. As is the way with whiteness – its own form of narcissism – she was unable to distinguish between the different subjects, and is now declaring I posted about her several times. The grandiose delusion of white women never ceases to astound me.
Every time I post about race it’s about her? Including when I’m speaking about icons Serena Williams and Megan Thee Stallion, or sharing excerpts from essays I’ve written, or speaking about my experience generally, it’s about her? That’s a pretty big reach; again, it shows how desperate she is to be a victim at all costs. Besides the fact that this isn’t true, we are again seeing a common thread of entitlement, and people willing to do anything for a career in music – including using me and my platform.
Imagine the energy I’ve had to put into writing this; explaining what I’ve experienced and endured for the past few years, to only have a large group of white people lie, and use their whiteness to further harm. No one who has been sharing it has asked me what happened. They took what a white woman said as gospel.
What would you do in this situation? Either you keep quiet and they say you enjoyed your suffering; or you say something and you’re harassing, threatening, aggressive. My messages to Natalie showed a level of compassion and understanding that she couldn’t comprehend. She so desperately wanted there to be anger, insults and lies so she could hit back, but there wasn’t.
Whether it’s because she could never conduct herself in such a way; whether it’s seeing that my career has continued despite her campaigning, and that of her co-conspirators; or her not having the intellectual understanding she wishes, or perceives herself to have; or just unable to contend with not being the good and righteous person she assumed she was, the collapse of her ego has begun. White womanhood is centred around ego and victimhood. If they can’t make it about themselves, and escape responsibility and accountability, then they will make sure they do everything in their power to be able to do so.
The apology should be as loud as the disrespect.
If I am being called out, why not for ignoring red flags in the white and non dark skin friendships I’ve clearly compromised myself for? Or for the music bois I’ve dated that are clearly bad news? Or for choosing to live with white people? Nope. It had to be me speaking up against racism. I’m not the first person this has happened to, and I know I won’t be the last.
Those anti-racism books and books on the Black British experience that were bestsellers during the first UK lockdown evidently haven’t been read and absorbed. A few quid here and there as a sorry for benefitting from a system that harms us everyday isn’t enough. It was during a very fleeting period where white people, non black and biracial people felt bad. Your guilt does not equate to empathy. It is still about you. Privilege and power trumps all. Didn’t any of you lot read these books, or are they displayed in your yards as a virtue signal that you are not racist?
This type of wide scale witch hunt by Natalie, Joe, Scott, Layla, Kezia, James, and others, is not only indicative of a wider culture that froths at the mouth for any opportunity to bring another person down, a culture that calls for people to further isolate an already very marginalised individual – using their collective power and privilege for the sole purpose of harm; it shows that Bristol in particular would rather not have an uncomfortable conversation about race; instead choosing to bully a disabled, dark skin, queer trans person; and ensure their sense of self and safety is compromised.
And to those I apparently harassed, why be racist, sexist, homophobic and ableist when you can just be quiet?
I refuse to make myself palatable for white people, to tap dance for the master, to abandon my own beliefs and to not stand up for myself when no one will.
I will never take any form of racism and anti-Blackness lying down, because why should any of us have to? Because their own facade of liberalness is collapsing? They are responsible for their actions, and to say I deserve a witch hunt – with Natalie contacting my abusers and people who have assaulted me, after gaining my trust when I was in a vulnerable situation – is not the hill to die on.
As a society, we punish those who are victims of racial abuse, those who are sexually assaulted and vulnerable people who stand up for themselves.
I am absolutely allowed to stop any relationship with anyone who harms, disrespects or is friends with anyone who has been racist or abused me.
This is our scene. This is what happens behind closed doors. This is why we lose our most talented Black people to London or they simply leave the industry, and this is not something I will ever be okay with. Bristol and the wider music scene needs to ask itself: why this was even allowed to happen? What is the end goal? Right now, it’s clear their intent is to belittle, destroy, harm and silence anyone who dares challenge their whiteness and engagement in white supremacy.
This is Bristol: a far cry from the liberal dance music Neverland it’s made out to be.
The streets never forget.
The views and opinions expressed by Yewande in this piece are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Black Artist Database.
In publishing this piece, we have had numerous internal conversations and taken initial consultations regarding our ethical and legal position. We have undertaken our own thorough fact checking process in relation to the allegations made by Yewande. Most importantly, we draw significant support from the shared experiences of our community, and we remain faithful to our goal of amplifying these voices and experiences.
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The following people were offered the opportunity to provide a statement on this piece by Black Artist Database. Where statements have been made, they have been published verbatim, with no further edition or censorship from Black Artist Database. Black Artist Database explicitly takes no responsibility for verification of any claims made in these statements.
Natalie Morris: no statement made
The University of Bristol: no statement made
Joe Cooper: no statement made
Jennifer Hartley: no statement made
Grade 10: no statement made
1020 Radio: no statement made
Mickey Zoggs: no statement made
Noods Radio: no statement made
Daniella Shaw: no statement made
Kezia Cochrane: no statement made
Richard Walsh: no statement made
Alya L: no statement made
James Christian: no statement made
Scott Linton: no statement made
Henry Murray: no statement made
Strange Brew: no statement made
Jasmine Roberts: no statement made
k means: no statement made
Jurango: no statement made
The Bottle: no statement made
Eminent Agency: no statement made